Ladies and Gentlemen,
“The Dark Carnival” album was released on 26th April 2019.
We are Scottish.
These two random, seemingly disparate facts mean we are eligible for the Scottish Album of the Year award.
Funny word, eligible. As a younger man I remember snorting contemptuously at a magazine list of “Scotland’s 50 Most Eligible Bachelors”. Back then I thought eligible was just a polite word for shaggable. I kind of still do. Anyway, I had my doubts that there were 50 shaggable men in Scotland but let’s suspend disbelief for a moment. If there were 50 shaggable men in Scotland then surely, and it pains me to have to point this out, surely I was one of them? But, leafing dolefully through the pages of the magazine, I couldn’t find me. I briefly considered telephoning the magazine editor to demand a recount before deciding it would be better take the moral high ground. I would, on the face of it, nobly accept my exclusion whilst secretly bearing a bitter and lasting grudge about it. After all, dealing with setbacks is how we mature. So I’m told.
I don’t know if they still make this list but if the band were to pull off an unlikely triumph here, this could make all the difference to my prospects and the accolade of 50th Most Shaggable Man in Scotland will surely be mine for the taking. Or even, fan my brow, top 40. In old money, that meant a potential appearance on Top of the Pops and a shot at the big time. I’m not sure what it means nowadays, since the decimalisation of pop music.
Granted, so far, the bar for the award has been set relatively low. All one needs to gain entry is to have released something more or less recently and to be Scottish, neither of which are any guarantee of quality or game-changing achievements in themselves. But still, I’ll take it.
The velvet rope has been lifted and we are ushered inside to the cool, fragrant lounge of the eligible. I wonder if there’s a free bar.